Chapter 7

In Retrospect

“Think not that here is a dream like the former. I say a “dream,” because there the soul seems to be as it were asleep, though she seems neither fast asleep nor yet quite awake. Here, however, she is thoroughly awake to God, though fast asleep as to worldly things and to ourselves; for in truth, during the short time that this lasts, she is almost senseless and unable to think of anything, even if she wished.”

Teresa of Avila, The Interior Castle

And in retrospect, it was just a glimpse, although it was a meaningful event for me. It was an insight. It was my self glimpsing my soul, I believe, my conscious mind dipping beneath the surface of the physical realm, unto a deeper reality within. It was like being immersed. Like being baptized, symbolically speaking. It was my conscious mind descending unto the subconscious realm, a realm that’s usually hidden but one that’s very real.

Some people may think it was just a dream, and it did occur in the same place, in the subconscious, but it was quite different than a common dream. I’ve had lots of those. This was a unique experience. However, it was similar to what’s called a lucid dream, in which a person is fully conscious as they dream. I was wide awake, particularly after the voice spoke. It was also similar to a near-death experience, I believe, like those reported by some people who have died and then been medically revived. And so I wonder what I may have seen had the voice not spoken. Would I have seen the light? But the voice had something to say, apparently, something more important, although I do not know whose voice it was. Was it the voice of God? Not in the traditional sense, I’m pretty sure. Was it my subconscious mind speaking to my conscious mind? Maybe. Or was it a separate entity or separate soul? Or possibly just part of the experience, like seeing the horizon, but audible rather than visual? I can’t say for sure. It seemed to be the voice of a more enlightened being speaking from a more illumined point of view, and that’s all I can say about it for certain.

The experience was triggered by thoughts and emotions about death that I had been consumed with in previous weeks and I believe the words I heard were truthful. Literal. I believe I experienced what death will be like, for me. I believe I was in the same place that I will be at the time of death. In the spiritual realm. The subconscious realm. The realm of God. It’s where we all go when we die, but the experience is different for everyone. It’s unique for each individual. It’s subjective. That realm is a subjective realm, different from the objective three-dimensional realm we presently live in. Studies of near-death experiences report this subjective nature. People report both similarities and differences in them, according to their personal beliefs, according to their expectations. I saw a horizon, others will see something else. The light is a common element, however. Most people report these to be wondrous experiences, but not all. Two very important people in my life have had such experiences that they’ve shared with me. They were divine experiences for both but quite different from each other, and quite different from mine. One person saw the gates of heaven, which was natural for her. The other said it was like going through a door into a place of perfection.

I think my experience lasted about two minutes but it made a lasting impression. It changed my perception of life and death. It’s given me a sense of peace and certainty. I’m thankful for it. There was a fulfillment that came with it. But it didn’t change me much outwardly. If anything, it gave me more freedom to be myself. I’m basically still the same free spirit that I was back in my younger years, although more mature. But the experience certainly affirmed my belief that God is within. It affirmed my belief that the spiritual realm is very real, and in my present moments of contemplation I recognize the same pure consciousness that I experienced in that spiritual realm. It’s who we are, essentially. I have yet to return to that deeper level, however, but I’m confident that I will eventually.

And there must be more to that deeper level. There must be more than I witnessed, more than I glimpsed, more than those having near-death experiences have glimpsed. What happens when we don’t come back? What happens after a week or a year? Different people have different beliefs, but no one knows for sure. Our religions don’t know for sure. We may have great faith in our religious beliefs, but they don’t provide proof of that which occurs beyond death. And my experience doesn’t provide proof either, for you. Hopefully it gives you something to think about, but it doesn’t give you any certainty. Only one’s own experience can do that. But for me, it was validation. For me, it was a glimpse of truth. It was a revelation. For me, faith became sight.

But that doesn’t mean I have all the answers. Or any. It simply means my eyes were opened for a moment. I know what I’ve seen, but my beliefs are still beliefs only, like everyone else’s. And developing realistic religious beliefs has been a work in progress for me, a life-long one. I guess I came by it naturally, being a preacher’s kid and also having a certain compulsion for things to be accurate. Other family members have that same compulsion, although not typically applied to religion. The truth matters! We humans now recognize that God isn’t up above the sky like ancient writings say and we see no evidence of God anywhere else out in the physical universe, at least not in the traditional sense. So if God exists, then where is God? We need to know. The answer to that question may change our lives. All people need to know. The answer to that question may change our world, and the world needs some change. Some of our ancient beliefs need some change. Our beliefs are fundamental to who we are. They’re the basis of societies. We commonly socialize with people of similar beliefs. Opposing beliefs often create conflict.